Chris Rock said "ass" in the first five seconds. Hee. Pretty decent monologue, although I'd take Jude Law over Tom Cruise any day.
Oh, look at the poor art directors all herded out on stage like cattle. That's just wrong. To have to stand there all awkwardly like that while the winners get their award. Wrong.
Yay! Morgan Freeman! And what a short, classy speech. Okay, now why are they playing him off the stage with Star Trek music? I mean, he's super cool and all, but to my knowledge he's never been to space.
Oh lord, Cate Blanchett's presenting from the aisle. She's freaking Queen Elizabeth, people, let her up on the damn stage. And how sad for the winners to just stand sadly on the stairs at their little makeshift mic trying to look dignified while giving their speeches. And now they're being played off before they've finished properly. Neat.
Oh goody, Beyonce song number one. She's struggling a bit with the French, but then, who could blame her. Was there no one French available to sing this song? Johnny Depp's significant other, perhaps? Come on, Vanessa, you're a singer, step up, baby!
Okay, the bit interviewing people in the movie theater was pretty damn funny. Chronicles of Riddick, indeed. And I'm loving the woman who told Chris to step off.
Um, Tim Robbins couldn't be bothered to shave? God, Cate is so beyond brilliant in The Aviator, I could lick her. Oh, Laura Linney, what did you do to your hair? Poor thing. That's okay, though, because you're not going to win so no one will remember your hair tomorrow. Yay! Cate wins, as she should.
Nooooo, don't play a Beatles song in the anti drunk driving commercial. Do you want me to totally lose it? Mean.
Was it me, or was there a loud crash in the background when Orlando and Kirsten were presenting? Oops.
Um, The Aviator won for editing? I know jack about editing, but even I could see that the editing in that movie was for crap.
Wow, Adam Duritz, your hair is a crime against humanity. I guess he does it because he's trying to look like a rock star instead of a guy who should be working at a tech help desk. But it ain't working, Adam. Also? Not a great live singer.
Ah, Ziyi Zhang, struggling nobly with the English. How's Memoirs of a Geisha coming, hon?
Oh god, Frank Pierson. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
How long do you think it takes Al Pacino to get his hair that fluffy? And Morgan Freeman's caught on camera in the audience caressing his Oscar. Heh. You go, Morgan. Um, why is there an ankh on Johnny Depp's tie/swatch of cloth thingy? I was thinking he was dressed surprisingly well tonight until I saw that. But then, he's so hot, he could show up in a trash bag and women would still swoon. Which is exactly why he dresses so awfully most of the time. Oh, Johnny, you're such a rebel.
Hang on, what the HELL is Vin Diesel doing in Sidney Lumet's next movie? And I thought Sharon Stone seemed out of place in the Lumet montage.
And it's Beyonce performance #2. Somewhere, Minnie Driver is hurling a bottle of Bushmills at her television. Um, what's with the creepy monkey? Some kind of Phantom reference I take it? Yes, you've found me out, I'm a Phantom virgin. And I plan to keep it that way, thank you very much. Abstinence is the answer when it comes to Andrew Lloyd Webber, I always say.
And another horrendous crash while Jeremy Irons presents from the aisle. Good to know things are running smoothly off camera.
Ohhhhhh, Kate Winslet. So pretty. Amazing blue dress. I'm so distracted by her beauty I can't even tell what category she's presenting.
Okay, when a bunch of techie guys win an award, they really need to mention the name of the movie and not just the names of the winners, because I cannot remember all those dudes' names and figure out which movie they worked on. Hilariously, Jamie Foxx is looking around all confused like he has no idea who won either. Hey Jamie, they did the sound on YOUR movie. Look happy for them.
And now they're being played off after after like 45 seconds of speechifying. Come on, Adam Sandler and Chris Rock get four minutes for some embarrassingly lame routine and these guys don't even get enough time to name their wives and children? Boo hiss.
And yet another crash off camera. Excellent!
Travolta refers to himself while presenting and waits for the obligatory applause... which doesn't come. Sweet.
Marty "Where's-My-Damn-Oscar-Already" Scorsese grits his way through a bit for the humanitarian award. Yawn. I know humanitarians are important and all, but I'm here for the celebrities, people!
Whew, moving on finally. Annette Bening is so high, ya'll. As is Warren out in the audience. Wow, Yo Yo Ma! And he's playing to the In Memoriam. Lord. They're trying to kill me. Where's the damn Kleenex?
Um, who invited P. Diddy to present? And for The Polar Express song? Yeah, why? I know they're trying to reach out to the brothers and all, but P. Diddy? Couldn't look more out of place.
Prince! Yay Prince! And even though he's all mumbly and incoherent, he totally shows P. Diddy what stage presence is all about. Because Prince is cool, man!
And now the guy who won for the Motorcycle Diaries song is singing his whole acceptance speech. In Spanish. Cool.
Whoa, Sean Penn, shoving that Jude Law crack right back in Chris Rock's face. Heh.
And Hilary Swank wins again. And she's wearing the worst dress in the room. Serves her right for taking Kate's award. And now they're trying to play her off. Excellent. Go on, Hilary, shut up already.
YAAAAAYYYYY!!!! Charlie Kaufman wins for Eternal Sunshine!!!! And look how happy Kate is! Bliss.
We're coming down to the wire now, and Chris Rock is looking a bit frazzled. Not such a funny man when Gil Cates is screaming into your earpiece, are you?
Jamie Foxx wins. What a surprise. Everyone's so happy. Even Clint Eastwood looks mildly pleased. Oh god, don't do the HEEEYYYYY! OOOOOHHHHH! thing again, Jamie. Please. Yeah, he's doing it again. Oh, but look how cute his daughter is. They're not playing Jamie off the stage, though, are they? That's because even Gil Cates has to reach for a hankie when Jamie starts talkin' 'bout his gramma.
And now Scorsese's losing to Clint Eastwood. For a boxing movie. Oh, sweet irony. Good lord, Clint's momma's still alive.
Um, is Streisand pregnant? No? Then don't rest your hands above your stomach when you're wearing a dress cut like that. And now Million Dollar Baby is winning best picture. Whew, we're nearly there and it looks like my 13 minutes over guess isn't gonna be too far off.
Well, that was... sorta fun, but neither as bad nor as good as it coulda been. Peace out, ya'll.